Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Tannavice

The Celtic Star

·27 avril 2025

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Tannavice

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ TANNAVICE…

“There is no finish line. When you reach one goal, find a new one.” – Chuck Norris

Celtic players celebrate winning the league. Dundee United 0 Celtic 5 at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

VINDALOO – 6/10 – Slap happy for a while early on, punching anything within range – fortunately for United forwards, mostly the ball… – but doing it well and cleanly. Showed a fine, strong right hand to make his only, and impressive, save of the day. Looks cool enough to meet his first real test of aesthetic tolerance next Sunday.

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GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Does seem to bring some assurity on the left if not the athleticism Schlupp offers. Tactically useful as well, given Gregg’s a veteran of the Ange inversion The Brodge has adopted. Balanced out well with AJ roaming down the right today. Keep him I say, if possible – trophy count does not belie his contributions; as an organiser, and will offer a complimentary style to the rampaging KT.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Tortured them down the right side once he’d muzzled and neutered former Zombie dog Middlemarch, their most dangerous wide-man. It was The Moose doing the wing play from the half hour mark, culminating in a precise dink to lay on the fourth, among many other adventurous forays.

OF JUSTICE – 7/10 – Reliable Liam just slots back into that central defence like the magazine in CCV’s Desert Eagle. Was on-point to defy the Arabs’ opening pressure, and as we began to dominate there’s no better at Celtic Park to step out of the back with the ball at his feet to inflict damage with his cultured left. Ironically it was the coppertop which stole the headlines today with his useful nodded assist for the first goal.

Celtic players celebrate winning the league. Dundee United 0 Celtic 5 at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Sturdy as she goes – combating Sam Dolby Stereo to thwart their aerial ambitions occupied him for the opening quarter. Once the main United goal threat was tamed, it was easy street for the big mhan who will no doubt have been saving himself for tonight’s celebratory Wunderbar expedition.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates at full time during the SPL | Premier League match between Dundee United FC and Celtic FC at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Silent runnings for the skipper as he quietly plotted the navigation of the home side’s midfield press; drew them in and eventually had our engine room spraying either flank quickly as the Celtic flow became a torrent cascading around their central block. Iced the championship cake with a smart move from deep – quick free-kick 1-2 with Reo and a 30-yard run to slip in Idah for the fifth. Will be lifting that trophy like a third wean in a few weeks.

Arne Engels of Celtic celebrates at full time during the SPL | Premier League match between Dundee United FC and Celtic FC at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 7/10 – Class in the pass. Class in the boots. Pay attention to this kid’s stats, non-believers; he’s hardly begun his Celtic tenure but the signs are there – can ping a pass half a pitch in a blink with cultured precision, that early ball in-behind that you’re screaming for in yer head before the words hit your tongue. And the dead-ball deliveries are peachy. And he’s gallus, too. Always a good thing. And only good things to come, I’d say.

Jota of Celtic celebrates scoring the opening goal with team mate Reo Hatate during the SPL | Premier League match between Dundee United FC and Celtic FC at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – An early afternoon quietly drifting about without real impact or requirement; just helping knit things together. The architect of our recent resurgence was able to metaphorically sit this one out, mainly, as the others carried the show.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

Daizen Maeda. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – What? Five, and Daizen didn’t score? What’s that you say? – Ate too may tangerines and had a sore tummy? But two great assists and that 100% commitment keeps him beyond reproach. The delight of a Daizen close-down is to witness the defender/keeper’s alarm as he appears to spawn into the game mere yards from them moving at Roadrunner velocity; a compilation vid is required, Celtic media, to be sold with green & white popcorn.

Nicolas Kühn of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the SPL | Premier League match between Dundee United FC and Celtic FC at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025 . (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

TAKINTE – 8/10 MOTM – Superhero reboots have been all the rage in movieland, and we are getting ours now with The Return Of The Kuhn. A spell in the doldrums since the misery of Munich’s last-gasp witchcraft looked to have finished his season, and perhaps his time in The Hoops. But here he was, back to his zippy, gliding, dinking, swashbuckling best to kill the game before the break and have backsides off seats once more every time he got on the ball with kinetic intent.

I’m pretty sure he’s going to be off in the summer, for a huge fee, as he’s got unfinished monkey business in the Rhineland that rejected him so cruelly after setting him on a youthful plinth. So let’s hope his memorable swan-song will come next week and the German Jinky will live long in the memory.

Jota celebrates. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Oh, hell – is he never gonna dance again, guilty knee had crocked his rhythm? No idea. But I’ll wager you winced too as he appeared in a brace and crutches. All seemed as-per before the nasty jarring incident – classic Jota popping into the game in dramatic style, probably claiming the first, which looked as if it might set him off on a rampage. Then the fall and suddenly the world tour’s in jeopardy. Who’s going to break it to Ridgeley? (Who now makes a living doing Henrik Larsson lookalike appearances…).

Andrew John Ridgeley (Photo The Big Issue)

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

SUBS –

SCHLUPP THE ‘RA – N/A – Another prospective summer signing prospect gets a title run-out. But is there room for three lefties?

Celtic players celebrate winning the league. Dundee United 0 Celtic 5 at Tannadice Park on April 26, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – He might be still clumsy, maybe a bit slow, and not just physically; perhaps just an Aardvark short of a full ark – didn’t even know his own goals tally…But he’s doing what’s primarily required of a number nine; scoring goals and scoring them well. Nearly the perfect hat-trick today but for a bad break off his lunging left shin.

So… We wait and see if the manager’s faith in his ability matches his own. Although Pistol Pete may want to re-negotiate Adam’s contract after seeing his mastery of numerical values. “Aye, ten cats’ teeth amulets a month is worth way more than 20k a week big man, trust me…”

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – More rehabilitating minutes for next season’s star midfielder…

JAMESY – 6/10 – So now the title’s wrapped up, Jamesy’s going to be edging us all as he goes for The Maestro’s record. Teased it all second-half (Ladies…) but the anticipation every time he looked like cracking one off crested with a block or last-ditch tackle to defy the Prestwick Pele’s destiny. But the fates always carry a twist – with Jota lame and a starting berth open, perhaps it will be the sordid planes of Mordor on Sunday where The Flash makes Celtic history with a sweet strike. How satisfying would that be? Enough to make Mick Jagger rewrite a classic…

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Lookout, Luke’s trolling The Arabs, as the former Dundee captain trots on to collect a win bonus and secure a title medal.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

Brendan Rodgers. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – “I’m 200% staying” claimed The Brodge as he multi-tasked through an interview, simultaneously booking a Vatican flight to audition for new Pope. So before he flits in the night again, the treble should be secured and his legacy set.

Had the continuity in place today, opted for managing the match through stages of early pressure-soaking to expansion that ultimately finished them off before the pies were warmed-up. Congrats on a trophy haul to elevate him towards the greats and the promise of more to come as he pledges his near-future to the club. And I can’t recall any reason to doubt his integrity here…

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Apart from an initial flurry of dubious free-kicks to give United some dangerous positions the general absence of Mibbery spoke louder than the VAR match-audio release which was basically just a compendium of strained whispering voices choking back tears as they resentfully counted one to five…

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

Fruits of our Labour ticket price protest. Celtic supporters at Tannadice. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

OVERALL – 8/10 – Well, all the Xmas stockings are now fully empty as the tangerines from the bottom were used to feed Daizen. Not to mention the number of sisters’ presents stolen to provide the phalanx of pink footballs fired onto the park as well. Can only imagine the GB took advantage of new anti-discrimiatory laws to smuggle the inflated balls into the ground under disguises of bonnets and frocks in a ‘Little Britain’ style operation…”We are ladies!”

Celtic supporters at Tannadice. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

The most important football was the one Celtic kicked into the net five times and sealed title number 55. Which casts a whole new comical slant on the Zombies’ tedious ’55’ merchandise. Thanks for playing; you’re now marketing for us…

As the Captain pointed out – you can only beat what’s in front of you, and we’ve done it in the main with consistency, no little verve and a barrowload of goals. Chasing points and scoring records will keep this squad relentless for the remaining games and the crowning glory of a Hampden treble. Today was about getting over the line and didn’t the Bhoys do it in swanky style? Last time at the tangerine shed on the Tay we suffered in some sort of strange winter temp-set, no doubt conjured up by the locals in an attempt to summon Baphomet. Again.

Celtic banners at Tannadice. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

But by the hour mark it was a training exercise in keep-ball and passing and movement. This team have excelled when required this season, in coruscating domestic fashion, with admirable CL resilience. The Hoops emphasised their focus and professionalism with this rout of a capable, organised United side. There may well be a seemingly unbridgeable gulf between Celtic and the rest, but that’s down to the excellence of our standards elevating Celtic beyond reach, and not the deterioration of others (Zombies excepted…).

Celtic Champions 2025. Dundee United v Celtic, 26 April 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

That’s already been litmus-tested in the CL, and we’re definitely going back for more if these Bhoys can help it. And it’ll be no more than these CHAMPIONS deserve.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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