Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Yellowstone Ranch | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ YELLOWSTONE RANCH…

Celtic goalkeeper Viljami Sinisalo after Daniels Balodis of St Johnstone scored to give St Johnstone a 1-0 lead. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, , McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025: Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

VINDALOO – 5.5/10 – This is not what Vinny signed up for; Kasper promised him some glory while he took the kids to EuroDisney for Easter, and sunshine on Perth seemed the perfect setting. And so Vinny found himself completely exposed by his defence as the league’s foundation side perversely took the lead. And held it. Not much to do after that, bar a stretching save he was well primed for and got the touch to safety, and the necessity to gee-up the struggling Hoops ahead of him.

Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic tackled by Daniels Balodis of St Johnstone. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Football, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO/Shutterstock

SCHLUPPTHE’RA – 3/10 – What’s happened to big Jeff? Meatloaf sang two out of three ain’t bad but it’s inverse for the Schluperman – rank against the Zombies, and rank against the environmentalists. just couldn’t force himself into the game or get anything going down the left.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 5.5/10 – Subdued, was The Moose in stag territory. Looked like the Kuhn partnership was back on with a vengeance as we went in search of an equaliser and pinned them back for the remainder of the first-half. But, unusually, his powerhouse display petered out and we never got the telling ball or incisive run that carved them open and salvaged the points.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 5/10 – It is a meritocracy, right? Back in from the cold and caught cold as they nodded themselves a winner early on. Not apportioning blame at his door but why did we have no big men – i.e Crusty or CCV – jumping at the front post where that damage was done; Reo being the point-man there makes the defence look like it’s organised by Snow White. That aside, he was there but not there, as with many others; drifted through the match without much influence.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – You could feel the monolith’s frustration as he snarled around, efficiently throwing off their rugged strikers’ (plural) forays and awaiting his own creatives to spring into potent action. He likes a title-winning bevvy and left the park growling something about ‘cancelling the flaming Wunderbar table booking’ for next Saturday night. I’d stay out his way at training.

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Celtic captain Callum McGregor controls the ball under pressure from Jason Holt & Daniels Balodis of St Johnstone. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, , McDiarmid Park, Perth – 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

CALMAC – 4/10 – Wherefore art thou, skipper? Looked in boss mood early on, and after the break the expectation was that he’d take this game by the cojones. A bursting run to open them up seemed to signal such but, strangely, he faded. Most odd.

THE TERMINATOR – 4/10 – Some nice movement, flicks, tweaks, clever balls… But, nah; kid needs to assert himself more. Has got the self-belief, sometimes needs the extra motivation, impetus, to put his stamp on proceedings.

Jason Holt (on a booking) of St Johnstone challenges Reo Hatate of Celtic. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 MOTM – Let’s give Reo some plaudits – was he who appeared most likely to create something, who had his head in the game properly – on the lookout for openings constantly. Melted an upright with the best strike of the day, yet blew his big opportunity after drifting onto a cut back with perfect timing. However, overall he was the best instrument in a tuneless orchestra.

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Nicolas Kuhn of Celtic fails to score under pressure from Stephen Duke-McKenna of St Johnstone. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

TAKINTE – 4/10 – There was one brilliant Kuhn moment as he skipped his way across their box past three languishing defenders, and we awaited the guided missile off his left boot, bending into the top corner to announce The Kuhn was back on it! Nope, Seboooooo. Off you come.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, , McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5.5/10 – I will run. And run. And run again. And you will seek me out. Great mantra, sadly abstract from reality. Nobody in green and white was going to pick you out, Daizen; it appeared they were all hungover and reminded me a lot of Sunday mornings back in the day, trying to focus on the ball through the remnant haze of Aftershock and Goldschlager cocktails. Says a lot that the best through-ball Daizen got all game was courtesy of their myopic centre-back’s error that he pounced on.

Jota of Celtic shoots over the St Johnstone goal from a direct free-kick. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025: Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Feed me! Feed me! – The Wham hit they never recorded. And something we might try and do in a more balanced way rather than wait for him to drag himself into proceedings like he had to do after a half hour of spectating. Never disappoints with frenzied activity; close to being the shining light but didn’t last the pace.

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SUBS –

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Remember me?! On he came at the interval, and in fairness did try to rouse his comrades with a busy effort. Never quite happened but he showed more commitment than many and also earned a yellow; for pointing out the obvious.

YING – 5/10 – We hoped, and so did he. And all he got was a near-broken arm and a yellow card. Oh for the St.Mirren impact levels once more.

Adam Idah of Celtic heads at goal but his effort was saved by St Johnstone goalkeeper Andy Fisher. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Football, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025: Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – Well, kind of meh, but close to being a hero. Unfortunately, Tony Cascarino was close too… The big mhan looked lively enough – more so than recently – but his sharpness is still in question; last season those half-chances were buried.

St Johnstone goalkeeper Andy Fisher saves a close range shot from Luke McCowan of Celtic. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, , McDiarmid Park, 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Lookout, it’s Luke! Nope; thought he’d be the one to aright the listing ship but he didn’t make waves, spurned a couple of openings.

James Forrest of Celtic’s shot is saved by St Johnstone goalkeeper Andy Fisher. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, , McDiarmid Park, Perth, – 06 April 2025: Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

JAMESY – 6/10 – Daaaaamn… Jamesy’s big epic record-breaking sixteen season climax moment came and… completely against his nature he failed to put it in. Thwarted by the charmed camp goalie. Yet at least he injected some energy…Ladies… appearing sprightly and dangerous; weaved his way inside minutes later and after a neat 1-2, rasped a dig from the edge of the box, unfortunately right down the keepers’ throat; not unusual…Ladies, again…Here’s to seeing him get more game-time. And that goal. Because it is a meritocracy, right?

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Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers in technical area at McDiarmid Park. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, 06 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 5/10 – Eh… It is a meritocracy, right? So, you know, out goes big Rocky as his confidence is building, and in comes what we may assume to now be… A favourite? It is a meritocracy, right? Of course you take off your top scorer with half an hour to play, to shoehorn-in your unreliable record signing…Now The Brodge has his work cut out. Disharmony manifests quickly when results are rough; the reset after the Zombie debacle lasted a week and there we were, faltering out of the blocks, one down again, entreating one another to provide the stimulus, way off the focus, tempo and verve the manager asks of them.

How much is down to him? Don’t know. Why he didn’t keep the Hearts starting eleven? Don’t know. (injury? Correct me in comments if so). But it is a meritocracy, right? So make sure everyone knows it. Because there’s a lot of comfort zones being basked in right now. And there’s still a treble to take home.

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MIBBERY – 5/10 – “It’s Dickinson. That’s Dick, with a ‘D’.” A real bona fide Son of a Zombie, this one; A dyed-in-the-goatskin blueknob. Probably couldn’t believe his luck at presiding over such a passive Celtic performance, able to throw around a few cards- luck-wittery award of the season contender, booking Greggs for pointing out he was uselessand didn’t know a corner from a shy. Pernickety fouls are his speciality, upsetting the flow of the Hoops. Got plenty practice in, and an extra reason to sneer his way back down the road to some citrus hellhole.

Daniels Balodis of St Johnstone celebrates with team mates after scoring to give St Johnstone a 1-0 lead. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, l, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025: Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

OVERALL – 4/10 – It had all been going so well since 5pm Saturday – New wood-burner (to annoy the climate hysterics) barbie, en route from an Amazon workhouse (sorry, ‘warehouse’); three delinquent coos ordered off farmer McSavage’s slaughter belt; six kegs of Guinness barrelling towards the back garden; bouncy castle inflating all week as the kids need something to do during the school holidays and there’s only one bike pump kicking around; strippers lined up for dusk (including a ‘gentleman’ for the lay-dees)…

Adam Idah of Celtic’s shot blocked by Zach Mitchell of St Johnstone. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Football, McDiarmid Park, Perth,06 April 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace/IMAGO Shutterstock

And then the Bhoys go and majestically mess up the title party with that… aberration….in the gentle rolling Perthshire countryside on a sunny Sunday made for tickling the heehaws of the champions trophy. What we going to do next Saturday afternoon, now? Eh? Alright for that shiftless mob of players – they’ll have a cup-semi to focus on. How do I tell a dozen eager young weans that I had to cancel Tatyana Tittle-Tassles and Dug-Show Debbie? Repair those shattered dreams, Brendan!

Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers applauds the Celtic fans at full-time. Final score St Johnstone 1 Celtic 0. St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, McDiarmid Park, Perth, – 06 April 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO/Shutterstock

So out of nowhere comes a lacklustre defeat on the cusp of glory. One of the biggest Sunday shocks since escaping noon mass and hurtling round to your grandparents only to find Grandpa wearing Granny’s dress with no sign of her, apart from gagged screams rising out of the basement. This was the slasher-movie psycho twist to an otherwise satisfying season; but its come too soon and won’t spoil the finale – we’ve had the big warning before tangling with the cowpokes again in a fortnight, and that might ensure they don’t spring a treble-busting trap on us.

As for today… Jee-sus. Football, flaming hell; we didn’t play too badly, or look too off the pace; it wasn’t a calamitous, awful showing – it just… meandered, and rarely ever rose above middling. There was a spark missing and no fire got lit across the span of the game. Everyone – apart from Reo mostly, and Jota infrequently – seemed to be hanging about waiting for a hero to emerge.

Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers St Johnstone v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, McDiarmid Park, Perth, 06 April 2025. Stuart Wallace . Photo IMAGO/Shutterstock

So the bottom side overturned the top and it was ultimately deserved, as Saints showed just how to scrap for survival and won their pleasant metro-manager – probably my favourite in the league this weekend, just above Jackie Butland – a stay of execution. So the Bhoys got a lesson in standards and application. As annoyed as we are, I doubt anyone will be as dismayed as the players about the missed opportunity for a grandstanding afternoon of celebration next Saturday. Well, maybe Tatyana.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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